I dont have a topic in mind so this blog is bound to go in random places... you have been warned.

I havent been on here in forever! This place was seriously my life line for about three months, the place to get all of my feelings out, to make me feel better, and then... when I get better, I just drop it like it was nothing.  I have the tendency to do this with friends.  I want friends.  I love my friends.  But... I dont tell them, and I dont contact/hang out with them enough.  I talk to them when I need them... and then, nothing.  What an awful person I am.  AND I havent been here in so long that I've just noticed that the top guy that used to always be the top guy, you know the cafe guy, isnt top anymore!! What happened to him???

I am so completely and totally stressed about school.  I thought I was going to love this whole twelve week thing... turns out, I WANT THOSE FOUR EXTRA WEEKS!!! I have so, so much to do before the end, it's unbelievable.  I still am loving my classes, even though they make me want to rip out all of my hair and never be around another child again....

I'm happy... I think.  I think about things and places and get into the old "what ifs" sometimes still, but I can get out of those dark shadows now and it's rare that even a few tears spill.  It's been 81 days since I've had any form of contact with him... wow.

Speaking of men in general... I've become too attached to a certain person of the male variety.  Why am I too attached instead of just attached?  Well we live about two hours apart now... so thats hard enough having actually only seen him in person, once.  But he's moving like a zillion (okay not even that far) hours away in May or June of something.  The problem:  I really want to talk to him and hang out with him (in fact I will be this weekend) but, I worry because I know he's leaving so why do I want to put myself through the pain?  I'm not sure I can take it.  (Now Ill have to worry about this paragraph for the next four weeks because of the people that will read this and what they will think...)

Work is good.  Some manager there has it out for me, telling the head manager that I'm lazy (the word I would prefer to use is BORED) and whatever else.  She is just trying to get the head manager to like her again because she called out sick for like a week and the manager got really mad at her and yadda yadda, so she's trying to be in good favor again by telling things about me?  Yeah, it's not really working for her so far.

I'm getting chicks on Wednesday!!! Okay, so my mom is getting chicks on Wednesday, I am just paying for them (it's all she wanted for her birthday).  I love them with they are cute little fuzzy chicks, it's just very fun and adorable... and then they grow into these weird mutated creatures with feather wings but still a fuzzy body.  But then, next thing you know, they are feathery, leathery, beady eyed, SCARY chickens!

My saltwater tank is doing vey nice.  I have eight fish in there now, 5 mini crabs, and one chocolate chip starfish.

Spring Break was last week, and was wonderful, I mostly just sat around doing nothing! Oh wait, my brother came home on Tuesday, I went and picked him up from the airport.  I hadnt seen him in 14 months, so that was very fun! The Marines let him go and everything.  So he was home a total of 48 hours before he flew out to Utah (where he is now) for a week.  He's going to go live up there and go to school (courtesy of the Marine Core... he gave them five years of his life, they're paying for four years of school).  I wish I could go live up there too, but I am only a year away from graduation and I just dont want to screw it up now by switching schools/states.  So I'll wait a year but then probably move up there too, Utah is gorgeous. 

Okay pretty much I have updated the life of me and now I am done. 

OOOO wait! Ill leave you with my favoritest song (for this month) it's a really sad song, and I dont love it just because it's a really sad song, I love it because the lyrics are beautiful and the actual music in it is just gorgeous. Yeah, it is a country song, sorry.  

Here Comes Goodbye

~Rascal Flatts

I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road
And its not like her to drive that slow, nothings on the radio
Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell
She usually comes right in, now I can tell


Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear Im gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday
And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way
One day I thought Id see her with her daddy by her side
And violins would play: here comes the bride, but

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear Im gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye


Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on, yeah and you're left alone
All alone, but here comes goodbye

Oh-oh-oh-oh


Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

I have had it with men!

I mean come on, guys say girls have these little codes?  Maybe women have secret codes and unspoken truths, but at least they dont play mind games.

Example number one:

"We need to talk." 

Really, do I need to say anything else on this?

I didn't think so.

Example number two:

"Well why didn't you just text me first?"

There are a million reasons for not texting him first.  The main one being you don't want to seem too desperate.  Or later on in the relationship you don't want to seem too attached, which is a big issue for me.  I have major clingy issues that I am trying to overcome.  So when this guy in my class (the same one I went on a date with) flirts with me nonstop in class and then I don't hear a word from him outside of class, asks me "How come you never text me?"  What else am I suppose to say except "The phone works two ways." 

So now I sit here with my phone thinking:  "Should I text him?  Will it seem desperate?  What if I'm bothering him? And then what if he doesn't text back? I'll be crushed. Better not text him."   Guys shower you with words and flatter you but then... all of a sudden they stop talking to you altogether?? Why do they do this???

Example number three:

"Well I am divorced/broken-up with her but we still live together.  But don't you worry there's nothing between us."

Now, this hasn't actually happened to me but has happened to a couple girls I know. I don't care if you have to live on the street.  Come on buddy, move out! Obviously you are both okay with the relationship so then the girl on the outside has to constantly wonder what is really going on within those four walls.  You two have at the very least kissed, maybe even had sex, there was something there once who isn't to say it's just a passing phase? It's either over and he should go or it's not and he shouldn't be picking girls up at the pub anyway. And talk about awkward when you want to go to his place.

Example number four:

"It's not you, it's me."

I thought it was neither... I thought it was always us.

When it's time to "talk" should you beat him to the punch line?

When you're waiting forever for some form of contact, should you give in and text him first, with risks of being too clingy? Or should you wait for him because he's probably just really busy and you really don't want to seem desperate? 

When he assures you there's nothing going on between him and the live-in ex, do you trust him?   

When it becomes "you and me" do you forget the us that there used to be?

Here is just a preview of my saltwater tank... it's amazing if I do say so myself.  I'll post more pics in a few days when I'm not working and going to school! :)) (hope the pic isnt too blurry, I took it with my cell phone, as I think Ive mentioned before... my camera battery is lost.)

It snowed yesterday.  Which meant class was cancelled last night... AND it's cancelled tonight!!!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooray! Im sure the three inches we have will all melt by this afternoon but still, no class because the college is closed all day! Fun fun fun!! I do have to work this afternoon though (booo).  Now I will go do my lesson plan that would have been due tonight had I had class  :))

**an update from the last blog** I have decided to leave my blog on public, if I see it becoming a problem I will switch it out.  I wouldnt want to lose my New Jersey stalker as well *play Twilight Zone music here*

GOOOD MORNING!!!

I didnt sleep very well last night.  Which is weird because lately Ive been falling asleep and three seconds later it seems it's 8 o clock and my alarm is going off.  I tossed and turned most of the night. And I woke up this morning with an awful headache and had a really bad dream which, of course, I remember vividly. BUT I didnt cry... so, in your face bad dream!

Anyway, tomorrow I am leaving my house at 8 so I can be at the zoo by 10 when they open!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY.  I love this zoo! It is gorgeous.  I would go there every weekend if I could.  I'm going to get a zoo membership when I am there tomorrow and swear to use it more than three times this year.  Lions are my favoritest animals and it's so cool to see them. 

Then after the zoo, I will be going to my dads apartment where I will get ready to go to a party that night.  It's Rex's party!! I havent seen Rex in more than two years and I am really excited to see him tomorrow night.  I have known this kid since he was born (he's a few months younger than me) and even though we hated each other when we were preschool/kindergarten age we became best friends after that.  Even though I moved to Utah and then back to Arizona but still a couple hours away from him, we managed to stay good friends. So I am super excited to see him.  He gives the greatest hugs :))

THEN, after being out late on Friday I will sleep in on Saturday, but will probably be too excited to sleep too late, because I get to go visted KAYS (and possbily BRANDY)!!! Which I am super excited about.  Although I wont get to spend a lot of time with them it will still be nice to see them and whatever else (I totally lost my train of thought there). 

And then I must drive back home and work on Sunday. (boooo)

And those are my weekend plans and I am super excited!!

Now, I must be going because I need to finish this lesson plan for math and then shower and get ready for work.

But it's been awhile since I've had a Taylor Swift song up here, so I better add one now :))

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now
Why would you wanna make the very first scar
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

Maybe I should've seen the signs, should've read the writing on the wall
And realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall
No matter what you say I still can't believe
That you would walk away
It don't make sense to me but

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now
Why would you wanna make the very first scar
Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart

It's not unbroken anymore
How do I get it back the way it was before

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart now
Why would you wanna make the very first scar
Why would you wanna break, why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart
~Taylor Swift